Last two weeks or so have been extremely tumultuous, too much happened. I wonder whether it works the same way for everyone else, but my life has always been like this - it's either a series of positive events or negative events in a row. However, this time it's slightly different, my good and bad days took turn alternatively, making it look like a sine curve.
I don't think I properly slept for a month with so much stress and anxiety resulting from uncertainty. After so much happened over two weeks, I feel everything - happy and sad, excited but stressed, relieved but anxious - all at the same time. I've always had this issue that my brain doesn't rest, it's constantly thinking and active. I was reading The Thrilling Adventures of Lovelace and Babbage today, and one quote about Lovelace's life sounded like it could be me too (of course she was WAY more genius!). Lovelace died of cancer at an early age of 36. Florence Nightingale wrote to her friend of her death -
"They said she couldn't possibly have lived long, were it not for the tremendous vitality of the brain, that would not die."
The way my brain stays restless, it might make it difficult for me when I'm in death bed. Anyway, I learned quite a bit about Lovelace and Babbage today. I got the book as a goodbye present from the Oxford e-Research Centre folks and reading all the lovely messages inside warmed up my heart again, especially the one from Terhi. I really admire her, such an amazing person!
I wanted to have some relaxed time this weekend so that I could possibly start the next week feeling less overwhelmed. I painted last weekend, couldn't make it this time, but I exercised, read book, baked, socialized with some old friends (!! it's rare I know!) and listened to music. Sounds pretty great but unfortunately as life goes, there were unhappy events too that left me feeling stressed even after doing all those fun activities. However, just to focus on the good part for now - I was notified about two awards two weeks in a row! I wasn't really expecting anything as they're quite competitive, so that made me quite happy and boosted up my confidence level little bit. I was feeling low lately, so I needed that. The awards are ASIS&T New Leaders Award and DLF Forum New Professionals Fellowship. Anyway, since I don't get to share my happy news with dad anymore, I don't really express my emotions much. It's always a mixed feeling that makes me happy and depressed. My friend David Tully was funny when I shared the news. He couldn't believe that I had a straight face while giving an excited news (but I think he's learning that that's how I mostly am! :p).
Last three years have been pretty difficult for me, especially last one year since I left UIUC campus and friends. Getting settled in a new place, dental treatment mishap, losing all my belongings in Canada, having to go home twice, visa stuff, having to move twice in less than a year, remaining friends' leave - so many stressful events happened one after another that I felt like I'm stuck in a cursed cycle. On top of that, countless failures were only gravitating me towards depression and low self-confidence.
The struggle isn't over yet and I know it'll never be. But I've learned not to give up even though everything else seem to go wrong. I believe if we want something with our whole heart and if it's the right fit, nothing can stop us from achieving it. Well, when I say nothing it still means considering other external factors that we've no control over. For example, as an international student/employee my life is 150% more difficult than any U.S. citizen or PR. We can't avoid the reality but we're also here because we're some of the very bests in our country, which means we just have to find the right option and prove we're the best fit. It's easy being said but much difficult in reality. However, I won't stop fighting for my dreams and as much as rejection hurts, I'm trying to be more receptive, because when we dream big failure will be a part of it and we should take it as a push to improve ourselves and overcome all the barriers.
I met a grandpa yesterday and he called me a piece of diamond and despite his seniority he didn't hesitate to tell me how much he admires the people who are ambitious and work hard. I know I still have to go long way to actually prove my worth but his words gave me courage. Guess I just need to keep trying.
No comments:
Post a Comment