It's 4am. I woke up from nightmare for the second time in the same night. This time I had tears kissing all my face as I saw my dad again. May be it wasn't a complete bad dream because in the end I saw him alive, smiling, dressed impeccably in white ironed shirt. As far as I remember, in the beginning of that dream dad was missing, we couldn't find him anywhere. He wasn't a person who'd disappear like that. He could be late from work or be away for traveling, but he would always let my mom know because he knew she'd worry too much. But in my dream I was trying again and again to connect his phone, but it was out of network. He came back later after two days, in an ambulance that looked smoky inside and he seemed dizzy, though looking perfect. I kept calling him again and again, worried, terrified and he smiled and said "Ha, Baba (Yes, dad)."
This was a sad dream, but even more sad reality's it happened in real life without happy ending. My dad went for a trip for work, came back in an ambulance, but I never got to hear his sweet voice, ever again.
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I never liked celebration as much my whole life, so was never much excited about Eid even as a kid. Since I moved to Japan in 2009 that feeling got stronger as regular school and work days became part of Eid, no special vacation.
Today was another year, another Eid. I woke up early morning, went to office, had a long day. Might sound strange to many, but I didn't feel anything, there was a strange numbness. The last Eid I spent with my family in 2012, dad was with us. I can still see him waking up in his beautiful green punjabi shortly before we took some family portraits. That was probably the first time after my brother was born and we lost our sister that we got all of us in the same frame, and also the last time. Deep in my mind I probably don't want to destroy the image of that Eid by any other sad Eid day without dad being around.
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I dream my dad pretty often. But I think I'm probably having more nightmares and suffering from insomnia these days because I'm getting more and more of that worrying too much problem of my mom as I'm getting older. I remember being annoyed by that when I was younger, but it's strange that it makes a lot more sense now. I know now it's the fear of losing the loved ones. Recently there was the most terrible and shameful terrorist attack in our country's history. The whole country's still mourning for the lost ones and not being able to be festive as they're still shaken by the horror. I can feel how terrified it was for those families whose members were stuck in that bakery during attack, and the panic attack they had when their dear ones came back in ambulance and never talked to them again. I know all these, that's why being away from family keeps me constantly worried consciously and subconsciously, hence the nightmares.
Lying on my bed all alone at 4am I'm questioning a lot of things about my life, which I know possibly have no satisfying answer. As we grow older we detach from parents, learn to live our own life, move somewhere else, invest on ourselves. These are all necessary for personal growth. I know if I hadn't made those decisions about my academic life early in my career and decided to leave my home country, I won't probably be where I'm today. But at the same time I had to make the biggest compromise of my life, staying far away from my loving family, the most important part of my life. Is it worth doing it? I can't probably answer in one word, it's complicated, and there are so many factors. But the only thing I can hope and pray for is that things will get better, and my family will be able to live in a safe country where we don't have to be constantly terrified about another attack, and I won't lose sleep worrying too much. Just wishing everyone has a peaceful and happy Eid with their dear ones full of love and happiness.
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