Pitfalls of U.S. Immigration System and Life of Foreign Nationals

This is a long due post but I think this story needs to be written down somewhere and people need to know the challenges foreign nationals face in U.S. (especially those from developing countries). 

I came to USA in Fall 2014 to study at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, so definitely I was on student visa. Close to graduation I got to learn that, the student visa becomes invalid on the graduation day even though the length might be longer in your visa. To stay in the U.S. after graduation and look for jobs you've to apply for F1-OPT extension, which allows you to work for a year with the same status. However, you must be able to secure a job within 90 days of your graduation. I was the lucky one, I already had a job offer before graduation but still there's some particular timeline by which you've to apply for OPT and it can take up to a month to receive your Employment Authorization Card (EAD). All that worked out, I started my job and it's been almost a year now. My employer's sponsored me H1B visa and that got approved as well. Now you need to get the new visa stamped on your passport in case you travel outside of U.S. You can stay within USA without any issues but if you cross the border, you'll have to show the visa to re-enter. Well, that's how generally things work except for Canadians. BUT you can't do it within USA even though you're living in the damn country! The options are - going to your home country, Canada or Mexico and again, they don't tell you how long the process will actually take. There's something called "Administrative Processing", in which case they might decide to dig into your case and that'll prolong the whole process.

I don't plan to just stay inside USA border for unlimited time. I'm an academic librarian and I travel pretty frequently for conferences. So, I finally managed to take the time to travel wholly to take care of the visa stuff, and I decided to come home even though it costs me a lot more money and 30+ hours journey just in case there's any issue. Also, I must include that I had to face the new electronics ban on airlines rule because I don't have too many options other than using Turkish or Emirates Airlines - both are not allowed to carry laptop or any electronics bigger than mobile phone when you're flying to USA. So, I had to leave my MacBook home because I don't feel safe checking it in my main luggage.

Anyway, I arrived home without any trouble and went for the interview the following morning. The appointment was at 8:30 but I couldn't reach the window until 10:30. First of all, there was about 2 hours wait time for 5 mins interview. Then I could finally attend the interview and the consular officer and she said it'll be ready in 3-4 business days and that I should receive an email. On the 4th business day I check their website for any option to track my passport because I didn't receive any email from them and it says my passport is still with the U.S. Consulate and that it can take up to several weeks! It also says to follow any instructions given to me at the interview. But there was no instruction given unless confirmation that my passport will be ready to pick up! Also, they tell you in case of Administrative Check not to contact until 60 business days, by which they hope to resolve your case. 

So, I've a proper job and I earn money using my brain and time. Do these people value any of these?  I've been living abroad for 8 years now and I don't have any background here at all. If they needed more documents during the interview to check my background I could provide them all. This is not a rational or logical system and this is not how it's supposed to work. Also, most Americans have no idea this is something foreign nationals go through and it's my duty to explain this. I know most will empathize but I want some rational people to fix this system. Now I just need to wait and see whether I can be back to work in U.S. on time or I've to buy another one way ticket with hundreds of dollars!

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Update: So, there wasn't any issue on my side with visa processing. Apparently, that was a system error and affected others as well. However, the error message was confusing, user experience issue I guess. In the end I just want to reiterate that there should be a better and easier way to process visa, especially for those who are already living in USA. In the age where most things are digital and digitized, spending a good amount of time and money for a printed visa does not seem to be an efficient way to operate. Unfortunately that's how immigration systems still work but they can at least try to simplify the process. 

Where's Home for You?

I've always found the concept of 'Home' or 'Home Country' very interesting and at the same time confusing. "Where do you come from?" is a very common and simple question to be asked by people, whether you're living in your own country or in another country. This identity is embedded with us mostly by birth, which we can't choose as we can't choose who will be our parents. But as we grow up we eventually learn to live without our parents, most start their own families. Similarly, we're living in a world where more young people are moving abroad for education or job, it's becoming more common to meet people with mixed identities, i.e. half American, half German. When we leave our home country at a young age and build our own identity, own world at a separate place, in a different country, how much does it really matter where we're coming from? Or what percentage of us remains the same as what we had when we left home?

It's been 7.5 years that I've left home. I remember the day when I moved to Japan in April 2009. I was sad to leave my family, loving siblings there for sure, but I wanted to see more of the world, was excited to learn a new language, connect with the people who don't have the same background as me and many more. In my first year I became friends with 13 people from 12 different countries in my language school dorm and we're still good friends. Not that I never had homesickness, I did. But I started to create my own definition of home. After 5 years of living in Japan and finishing my college, I had so many memories and so many people I was connected with that I could easily call it my home away from home. As years went by friends graduated, most moved to different places for higher education or job, and each time I went back home I'd realize I had fewer strings attached. 

Same thing happened when I moved to USA from Japan. It was a huge step for me to leave my secure comfort zone, what I called home. But I was lucky to meet some amazing people and be loved and cared by friends from my very first day, and it never felt different. It's been 2.5 years here, don't know if I can call it home yet but I love the people in my life who are always there to comfort me and give me the feeling of being at home. In my entire time of living abroad, this is the first time that I'm sharing house with a roommate, who has been a friend from the very first day of grad school and now colleague. She's probably one of the most caring people on earth if not the most, and I can't describe how lucky I'm to have her in my life. When Madison told me she feels less anxious when I'm around, and actually got a lot of work done that she was nervous about, I knew that I can call this place home. We both long to come back here after tiring days at work and probably spend the most fun time with each other cooking, watching favorite movies/TV shows, or just talking about life.

Home is where the hugs are. pic.twitter.com/Gw5JDUrTf8

— Disney (@Disney) August 15, 2016

When people ask me whether I miss my home, I can only say that I miss my family. That's the only string attached to that place. I loved the city where I was born and brought up - Chittagong, beautiful port town with beach and mountains. I remember crying and being depressed for months after we moved to the crowded capital at the age of 12. That was probably the first time I realized what depression is, and the fact that I'm more of a quiet person, crowded places don't suit me. Unfortunately I never fell in love with Dhaka as much as I loved my campus in Tsukuba, and don't feel excited to revisit that city itself. It might sound harsh to many, but I developed the concept of my own home, where I fell calm and enjoy the little things of life.

I came across Pico Iyer's TED talk "Where is Home?" as I started writing this post. He put it beautifully - "I've always felt that the beauty of being surrounded by the foreign is that it slaps you awake. You can't take anything for granted. Travel, for me, is a little bit like being in love, because suddenly all your senses are at the setting marked "on." Suddenly you're alert to the secret patterns of the world. The real voyage of discovery, as Marcel Proust famously said, consists not in seeing new sights, but in looking with new eyes. And of course, once you have new eyes, even the old sights, even your home become something different."

As long as I can travel, see new places, I'd always be excited about finding a new place that I might be able to call my home, and I'm a lucky to have several home away from home already :)

It's Complicated

It's 4am. I woke up from nightmare for the second time in the same night. This time I had tears kissing all my face as I saw my dad again. May be it wasn't a complete bad dream because in the end I saw him alive, smiling, dressed impeccably in white ironed shirt. As far as I remember, in the beginning of that dream dad was missing, we couldn't find him anywhere. He wasn't a person who'd disappear like that. He could be late from work or be away for traveling, but he would always let my mom know because he knew she'd worry too much. But in my dream I was trying again and again to connect his phone, but it was out of network. He came back later after two days, in an ambulance that looked smoky inside and he seemed dizzy, though looking perfect. I kept calling him again and again, worried, terrified and he smiled and said "Ha, Baba (Yes, dad)."

This was a sad dream, but even more sad reality's it happened in real life without happy ending. My dad went for a trip for work, came back in an ambulance, but I never got to hear his sweet voice, ever again.

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I never liked celebration as much my whole life, so was never much excited about Eid even as a kid. Since I moved to Japan in 2009 that feeling got stronger as regular school and work days became part of Eid, no special vacation. 

Today was another year, another Eid. I woke up early morning, went to office, had a long day. Might sound strange to many, but I didn't feel anything, there was a strange numbness. The last Eid I spent with my family in 2012, dad was with us. I can still see him waking up in his beautiful green punjabi shortly before we took some family portraits. That was probably the first time after my brother was born and we lost our sister that we got all of us in the same frame, and also the last time. Deep in my mind I probably don't want to destroy the image of that Eid by any other sad Eid day without dad being around.

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I dream my dad pretty often. But I think I'm probably having more nightmares and suffering from insomnia these days because I'm getting more and more of that worrying too much problem of my mom as I'm getting older. I remember being annoyed by that when I was younger, but it's strange that it makes a lot more sense now. I know now it's the fear of losing the loved ones. Recently there was the most terrible and shameful terrorist attack in our country's history. The whole country's still mourning for the lost ones and not being able to be festive as they're still shaken by the horror. I can feel how terrified it was for those families whose members were stuck in that bakery during attack, and the panic attack they had when their dear ones came back in ambulance and never talked to them again. I know all these, that's why being away from family keeps me constantly worried consciously and subconsciously, hence the nightmares.

Lying on my bed all alone at 4am I'm questioning a lot of things about my life, which I know possibly have no satisfying answer. As we grow older we detach from parents, learn to live our own life, move somewhere else, invest on ourselves. These are all necessary for personal growth. I know if I hadn't made those decisions about my academic life early in my career and decided to leave my home country, I won't probably be where I'm today. But at the same time I had to make the biggest compromise of my life, staying far away from my loving family, the most important part of my life. Is it worth doing it? I can't probably answer in one word, it's complicated, and there are so many factors. But the only thing I can hope and pray for is that things will get better, and my family will be able to live in a safe country where we don't have to be constantly terrified about another attack, and I won't lose sleep worrying too much. Just wishing everyone has a peaceful and happy Eid with their dear ones full of love and happiness.

Could Government Systems Work Better?

It's been a while since I wrote my last post. A lot of things happened in about a month, which means I had my plate full and couldn't spare enough time for writing blog. Even right now I'm supposed to work on something important, but I think the only thing that can help me with my current frustrations is to write about it. 

This is a series on how all the government bodies in all countries excel at one thing - being inoperative! (no wonder their average rating on Google ranges from 1.5 ~ 2.5).

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One of the worst parts of being an adult for me is probably having to deal with different groups of people whether I want to or not. Human interaction is probably not my most favorite pastime, and when it comes to interacting with people who work for governments, such as embassies, a single interaction usually costs me 2 nights sleep, couple of anxiety attacks, and prolonged depression as a result of the frustrating experience. Especially when you're living in a foreign country, the level of this tricky game reaches the extreme level, and if you're an impatient person like me then you're mostly going to lose.

Before I write about other countries, I'll start writing this part-1 about my own country's embassy in USA. About 6 months ago I had to visit my embassy to renew and extend my passport, and began my series of frustration. Firstly, to renew your passport to the MRP version you need to visit in person to provide biometric information, which is give fingerprints and take a photo. The only way to do so is to travel all the way to Washington D.C., and visit the embassy in person. This biometric issue will come up in the following posts as well. Seriously, in this age of technological advancement can't we think of any other better ways to collect this information? Do people really think everybody has plenty of time to travel by taking off from school and work? Or do they think USA is as small as Bangladesh, and it doesn't cost to travel from one state to another? 

Anyway, I accepted the fact that I need to visit them in person, but for that I had to make travel arrangements in advance, which was dependent on when I could make appointment with them. I might have called them almost 20 times for about a week, and left voice message as well. But nobody ever answered or returned my call. In the mean time my travel date was approaching, and I had no idea what should be the right thing to do. So, I appeared at the embassy without being able to make an appointment, but was being little hopeful because it was mentioned on the embassy webpage that it's not necessary to make appointment if someone visits during certain hours of a weekday. When I reached there I wasn't sure whether I was perspiring just because it was damn humid or I was extremely anxious. 

My first interaction with the receptionist went this way - 

Me: Hi, I came here for passport renewal.. I tried to call but couldn't make any appointment for a week. I'm traveling all the way from Illinois, was really hoping you could help me..

Receptionist: (Face palm!) So you tried just for a week and gave up? A lot of people try for months and they still can't make appointment. And you flied to D.C. just like that without any appointment?

Me: I really couldn't manage it in any other way, and it's mentioned on the Website that I can walk-in during these hours...

(How it went inside my brain - Well, it would be great if you could kindly explain the point you're trying to make here because I thought that's your job - to pick that precious phone and serve people for their purpose!) 

Luckily by the majesty's greatest mercy I could get in, and actually apply for the passport renewal, and didn't have to fly to D.C. again. While leaving I saw her wandering around outside while speaking on the phone. I was really curious to go up to her and ask if she was taking someone's appointment or was that the reason why I could never reach them. But I thought it'd be safer to get my passport first!

If I've to communicate with them again, then would I do something else to make it better and more efficient? I don't know. Hopefully I can get a robot for myself who'll keep calling them every 5 mins for a month and make an appointment for me. Well, at least I hope they find a better way to collect biometric information by then.

Fear of "What If"

"What if.."? - Let's face it, we all deal with questions starting with these two words everyday. From tiny matters like, "What if I forget about everything else and stay in bed all day today?" to important life altering decisions like, "What if I choose Ph.D over job?" Even Pooh bear has those days when he thinks, what if he faces those moments when he feels he's not strong enough, brave enough or smart enough? As we become adults we face these moments more, and start making anxiety and depression our eternal friends. 

But what are the underlying reasons behind this dilemma? After thinking about it for a while, I reached the age-old conclusion, it's the fear of failure. And what underpins that fear is the shame of not being good enough. Little kids don't feel it that strongly. As they learn to walk, they fall many times, but they never get afraid of falling and being hurt. They embrace that happily, and eventually learn to walk bravely. That's the beauty of careless childhood, but as we grow older and experience more, those fear of pain gets enrooted in our brain, and we're too afraid to face those vulnerabilities. We don't want any failure to cause disgrace to ourselves as that might make us less worthy of connection with other people. Sometimes we let that seed of "What if" sit in our brain and branch out so big that we're too afraid to take a new step, embrace a challenge, or just get out of our comfort zone.

I painted today, too, and named it "Dilemma". So which way will you choose?

It often gets me thinking, how to deal with these "what if"s of life, and the excruciating vulnerability? For me, the most important thing is to follow my heart, and do what really keeps me moving forward. Might sound cliche, but it's not an easy thing to do. As a strong believer in science, and being a person who tries to rationalize every single act, there're times when my brain and heart don't go along with each other. And that's the only solution I found to reach a fair decision in the battle ground between brain and soul - you prioritize things that make you happy, and you choose your life options based on that. Yes, one option can be better than another based on many factors, and different people will give you different suggestions based on their perspective of life. But the take out should be, put the things first that make YOU happy, and NOT the other person. We're all unique and have different perspectives towards life. So, it's important that we don't compare our lives with others but learn. 

Whenever I get hit by my inner vulnerability hard, I find myself getting back to Dr. Brené Brown's talk, "The Power of Vulnerability". I like the way she puts it in her talk-

Courage to be imperfect. The word courage originated from the Latin word "cor", and the original definition is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. Let's embrace it, we're all imperfect in some ways, but not everyone has the courage to embrace the imperfection. And it's our duty to teach this to our kids from childhood - "You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you're worthy of love and belonging". That doesn't mean we should stop trying to overcome our imperfections, it means we should believe that we're enough.

Compassion to be kind to yourself and then to be others. And "When we work from a place that says, "I'm enough", then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves."

Connection as a result of authenticity, willing to let go who you think you should be in order to be who you are.

And most of all, fully embrace vulnerability. What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful. It's the willingness to say I love you first, willingness to do something where there's no guarantee, willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. It takes courage to accept that fear of "what if", and as a result makes us stronger. 

I love these last few sentences -

To embrace vulnerability is to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen, to love with our whole hearts even though there's no guarantee, to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror when we're wondering, Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this? Just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, and because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive." 

As for me, this is how I try to bring the war of heart and brain in peace - it's to remind myself that there's no single right way to lead our life or to do things, and there's nothing called ultimate perfection. There's no perfect place to live, perfect job to do, perfect person to be with. But it's us who find perfection hidden beneath those imperfections, it's us who decide we love that certain place, job or person for their perfections, along with their imperfections; and we know we can love them for how they are without willing to change them. And we should treat ourselves the same way as well.

Little Acts of Kindness, Little Words of Appreciation

Finally it's Saturday morning! I don't know after how many weeks I'm having a restful, quiet weekend morning at home. But my neural network server was having a downtime, which means I was depressed and all the negative thoughts was causing blackout in my memory lane. And from the book I'm currently reading - The 10 Best-Ever Depression Management Techniques, I knew that I can't let this happen and somehow I've to bring out my positive thoughts. I was going through old pictures, was thinking about all the good things that happened to me and all the moments I was felt extremely happy. So, even though I was supposed to study at least 12 hours today to catch up with all of my assignments, I decided to write a blog post about some small incidents that reminded me little acts of kindness and little words of appreciation can make brighten up someone's gloomy day. 

[About the book- Even though the name sounds like a typical blogpost on managing depression, it's actually a very well-written book on neuroscience with proper scientific explanation on what causes depression, different types of depression and how to efficiently manage negative emotion. I'll try to write a review after I finish reading it.]

So back to the events -

[1] That was the first time I went to the Farmers Market here in Urbana with friends. I didn't have any cash with me and didn't really go to buy anything specific, was mostly hanging out with friends. I randomly stopped at a store and there were those pretty stone-made coasters. There was this super cute one with a little girl holding an umbrella in rain, which I thought totally resembled me (Yes, my name means 'Rain'). So, I simply asked the shop owner whether she accepts cards or only cash and she answered only cash. I didn't mean to make a sad face but I think I actually did subconsciously cause I really liked it. There was this other lady purchasing at the shop who looked at me and said, "You like it? Then I'll buy it for you". I was totally blown away by her kindness but of course I was hesitating to take something from a total stranger without being able to pay off. So I thanked her for her kind offer saying I'll get it later. But then she insisted, "Please don't hesitate, you're young and student and really like this thing. I'd like to gift it to you. You can give me a hug in return" :) Again, I was totally amazed by her generosity but accepted her gift this time.

But the story doesn't end here. I really wanted to return her a thank you gift. So I bought two succulents, one for her and one for myself. And was wandering all around the market to find her. When I almost gave my hope I finally found her and handed the little present. But to my surprise she said, "You really didn't have to do this! You know the shop owner didn't even charge me anything for this." But I told her it doesn't really matter that she didn't have to pay; what matters is that she showed me genuine kindness and offered me the beautiful gift. I said goodbye to her with another hug. Then it was my turn to thank the shop owner who basically let me have the coaster for free. I went to her and gifted the other plant as a thank you. And she said, "I was just happy to be a part of it and I thought it'll be a great memory for you." 

This is the coaster. It's adorable, right? :)

So, I did come back with a pretty gift and a beautiful memory. That was a beautiful Saturday. And again I realized how lovely it is to live in this mid-West town with all these beautiful friendly people. Also, realized again that most people are nice in this world. We just have to be nice in return and appreciate the good things in them. Only if everyone could practice these qualities, the world will actually be a better place.

[2] As I was going through the old pictures I found the picture of the drawing my brother sent me couple of years ago. Apparently we were stargazing together :) Each time I look at this it makes me feel happy and precious. He's such a wonder kid and growing more and more wonderful every day. I'm so proud that he's excelling at painting and actually does it way better than me! I guess one of the reasons I felt gloomy was because I was missing him and my sister. It sucks that I've these wonderful people in my life who love me and make me happy in every possible way but I can't be with them. These are the compromises we make when we leave home... But anyway, for now this drawing is boosting my happiness level :)

Barnu and I are gazing stars! 

[3] This is the last one, happened yesterday. It's nothing special really, I was getting groceries at the super market and a girl who seemed like a newcomer asked me where are the butter. So, I walked her there and gave her recommendation as she asked me. Also tried to overwhelm her with every possible butter related knowledge (well, sign of academics :-/ ). Seemed like I couldn't overwhelm her too much as she thanked me and also said, "You're so nice!" And she said that in such an adorable way that it made me smile even though I was feeling all tired and grumpy after a long week. Also, there were couple of store assistants working there. They looked at me as she said those words and gave me smile. Well, honestly I was little embarrassed as I did nothing but was only trying to inundate an innocent girl with my butter knowledge lol! 

Though it was a small event, I was happy to see the way that girl was appreciative. For me it was natural to help her but sadly enough, a lot of people in real life actually don't acknowledge when they receive help. And I really hope more people learn this quality better.

Okay, this was enough of procrastination for this Saturday. It's already half past noon, which means literally I can't study 12 hours today (T.T). But at least hope the rest of the day will be productive :)

Rush of Thoughts

It's 5am of morning, not the most usual time for me to write blogpost. But I'm having this weird sleep cycle these days. Almost everyday I wake up up around 4am and then I've to deal with the rush of thoughts in my brain. It runs as if last couple of hours sleep was a thought barricade and it has to finish thinking about the whole life in next couple of hours! I've no idea why this is happening, there's no jet lag since I'm in UK for more than a month now and in no way it matches with the sleeping time of any place I lived in this world.. weird (-_-) However, I'm trying to deal with it..

So, back to the rush of thoughts. Since yesterday was particularly an eventful day, my brain is just being overactive and won't stop at all. Thought it'd be better to write them down before they disappear later in morning.

My head right now :-/

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I always find it fascinating how things can be so relative. We are living the same number of hours everyday but not a single day is the same as the other one. It's the same us each day but in different versions. It must be the people around us who make all the difference. Such as, I went to Manchester last weekend where I had an unpleasant experience and I'd probably do anything do remove the wrath inside me caused by the people there. But then I had incredible 6 hours at Bath yesterday and I would probably do everything to relive those moments if I could. Would life be too boring if we could see the future and be selective by choosing only the moments we want to live and surround us only with the people we love? Or the bad moments actually increase the magnitude of good moments by being there?

Anyway, this post is to appreciate the good memories. I was reading this book yesterday - "The Examined Life". In one chapter the author mentioned how praise can cause a loss of confidence and later he elaborated on what type of praise. He said something that I've always personally believed - praise someone for their 'effort' and when they do something that's difficult to accomplish, not for anything and everything. And I feel frustrated to see how often many people simply fail to do that!

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Yesterday on my way back to Oxford I met a wonderful woman on train. She asked me which book I was reading and thus our conversation started. She was very similar to me in the way that she also left house at a very early age and was adventurous to explore life in a different country. She  was curious to know about my life story, appreciated my struggle to come so far and said my dad must be really proud of me. I didn't feel on top of the world at that moment cause I know my lacking, my limitations. But I admire those people who have the quality to encourage and elevate others by appreciating their 'effort' to improve themselves. Sometimes these simple words can change someone's mood, thought process or even life decisions. I wish all of us would learn how to appreciate goodness in the best possible way. No one is meant to be perfect in this world, we all have faults but to learn how to bring out the goodness in people and help mend the faults is probably the most precious thing to learn. May be someday I'll learn it too!

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I might have diverted a lot but I guess that's normal for my morning rush of thoughts! If my waking up at 4am continues then these random posts will probably continue as well (I'm missing iPhone's 'sigh' emoji now, too bad I can't find it here, comes handy sometimes lol). Anyway, will probably try to get some sleep now.

You'll Always Shine Bright, Arjun!

His name was Arjun, but we used to call him Energy kun! As lively, smart, active and intelligent as a young person could be, Arjun had it all. Just as he was named, he was one of the brightest of all stars.

We met in June 2013 at Asian Summer School in Information Access. Just three days of school but it felt like we had 30 days of fun together on those days! From the beginning of the day till the last day, we were hanging out together, doing fun things, silly things. I remember the first day when the school started. I don't know how exactly Arjun, Pawitra, Martin and I started to talk, but it was probably after the poster presentation that we went for dinner together at Q't and it continued for the next couple of days.

One night we were going for sushi and the Google map lied to us and we kept walking and walking towards the wrong direction. By the time we made it there we were so hungry that we could probably eat anything on earth! I remember taking tons of photos while Arjun was eating sushis. He was so excited the whole time, full of energy as usual. Also, the summer school dinner was so much fun! We were probably the only group of friends who became so close during the short period of summer school.

Then there was that Karaoke night when we were singing for hours. And those gift shop visits at Q't where Arjun really liked that Anime looking girl and took pictures with her. I remember he put that on his profile photo on Facebook soon after! Also, how can I forget that he used to use me as live Google! For anything he had to ask he would question me, even though he could probably search online.

The last night together was the most fun and silliest one, when we bought ume-shu from Q't and was sitting on the park bench and talking about all the fun stuff we did on those days. We gathered all those fun memories in just few days that we could cherish forever. We were sad to fall apart. Arjun was going back to India, Pawitra to UK and Martin to Czech Republic. But we promised to keep in touch and meet again. Arjun was going to start graduate school in Europe soon after. Only I was left in Japan, but since three of them were in Europe, I said that I will visit them one day. But life is not fair, we didn't know that four of us will never make it again.

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Last year, March 2014, I lost my dad. And I was shattered by the loss that I was not interested by other happenings that much. Also, there was a lot going on in my life, I was moving from Japan to USA for grad school. The last time I talked to Arjun was on June 2nd. Did I know then just few days after that he'll leave us forever? Why wouldn't he keep his promise?

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May be about a month ago, when I received confirmation that I was going to Oxford, I wanted to tell Arjun, thinking that he'll be excited to see me again. But there were strange messages on his Facebook, as if he wasn't there for long time. And that's when I got to know that Arjun is no longer with us. He will never talk to me again. I didn't want to believe that and I don't know how I passed next couple of days trying to accept the cruel reality. And the only way I found to pass my feelings is through this writing.

Arjun was one of the brightest star, whose life span was shorter than many of us, but he shined brightly and lighted up other people's lives without even knowing how precious he is. He was brilliant and intelligent, and sure was inspiring to many of his fellows and friends. I can only imagine how difficult it is for his parents to bear this pain as he was the only child. But we even don't know how pain makes us stronger. Arjun will surely be the pride of his parents, love of their lives forever. And I will always pray so that they can gather enough strength to bear the pain of his loss and live his memories.

Arjun will always live in my memories with his bright smile forever. And I hope this type of accident doesn't happen in too many people's life. All of us have to go someday, but you left us too soon Arjun. But thanks for gifting all the memories and your friendship, I'll cherish them forever.

Mind & Space

Went for a trip to Art Institute of Chicago this weekend and saw this girl at the photography exhibition space. With a lot of classic photos in front of her, she was probably lost in virtual space. She was there physically but her mind was somewhere else when I saw her. Don't know what she was doing or whether she was thinking something else but it's interesting how these days with all smartphones, tablets etc our mind can be divided into multiple places at the same time...whether it's a good thing or bad? not sure..

The Transition-2

Photo taken by me during fall at UIUC

It's never easy to take those big steps in your life, like deciding to change country while you are already in a comfortable place. It wasn't easy for me either to finally take the decision to leave Japan cause after living for five years there, I knew I had a second home in a foreign country, I knew there were people whom I could call my family and there were my friends, seniors, juniors and many more well wishers. And then there was this big decision to make - whether to choose a better academic path for future career though there can be a lot of uncertainties, or to continue living at a place surrounded by people's love with prospective career opportunities?

So, I chose the first route for my life. Leaving my school, favorite campus, friends, scholarship, work, I decided to move to USA. I have joined Graduate School of Library and Information Science at University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign from mid-August of 2014. In that sense this post was due a long time ago, but it took me some time (actually a semester!) to settle down in this new place, find out some extra time from school and work and finally sit down and think what I have got and what I have not.

At first I will write about some of the difficulties any usual student in Japan might face during this transition.

• In Japan, semesters usually start from April and all the procedures to start at an institution has to be done by March. And the entrance exams take place in August of the previous year. Though some universities like Tokyo University, University of Tsukuba have started Fall semester in October for foreign students at a small scale, but this is not the standard case in Japanese educational system. Now, in my case, I was not sure whether I am going to join any university in USA till June, until my Graduate Assistantship was fixed. So I had to face a huge problem to cancel my admission and scholarship. Though my professors were by my side, but these systems are very rigid in Japan and once someone is in the system, it is very difficult to come out of it without huge pay off. Again, if I decided to stay in Japan then that would not be a problem, I could just follow the rules. But to them I was an exception, and Japanese administrative system are not good with handling exceptions. So I faced a lot of stress and troubles just to get out of the institution and cancel my scholarship.

• Because of the time gap between the starting time of sessions of two countries, someone has to lose 4-5 months doing nothing (or may be doing fun!). In my case, I attended class for the first semester there and submitted my paper at conference and got accepted there, so worked positive for me though I had to go through those administrative complexities later. 

• Now fixing housing from Japan was another difficult task to do. It's already difficult to do that while you live in the country, contact the landlords and find a trustworthy leasing agent. I had good luck and found a very good place from Wampler Apartments. I would recommend them to anyone who is searching for housing in Urbana-Champaign area.

• Once you get your housing fixed, you have to start the electricity, gas and water service at your place. In Japan I found it comparatively easy, just call them and they will do everything for you. But USA is too big and different states have different rules. When I called them for starting service from Japan they asked me for my Social Security Number, then send notarized copy of ID card etc. Any of which I did know how to get done in Japan, also in that short amount of time. So the summary is, I was in trouble. Glad that the person at Wampler Apartment was very understanding and helped me out with this matter by saying that I can take my time and he understands that these are difficult for international students to handle. 

• Closing all the contracts/ services in Japan took a lot of time, effort and money. To close my phone contract with Softbank I had to pay thousands of extra money.

• Packing and sending all the important stuff from Japan - I am still afraid to think about. Buying all those big cardboard packages from post office, packing and sending them cost me huge amount of time, effort and money again. 

• Finally I booked my bus ticket to go to campus from Chicago and booked hotel room for the night cause the landlord's office will close by the time I will reach and I needed a place to stay for the night.

I am usually little reluctant to take help from others as long as I can handle them by myself. So doing all these things by myself was pretty difficult and I was extremely stressed by the time I was done and could not believe I was actually leaving Japan and feel the pain of tearing the bond. But yes, finally I got here and started a completely new life at a new school with new people and of course, with new struggles. It is not all bad but like I said, there is no perfect place to live on earth. So I am always trying to find the best way to enjoy my life no matter where I am.

And here is something I created as a guide for new international students who are here or will be joining UIUC. I created this libguide as my final project for LIS501 course but I hope to expand it in future as my personal project so that I can help future students be well informed before they land in this city and start their new life.
Guide for International Graduate Students at UIUC

I will keep posting about my experience at UIUC, stay tuned! :)

The Transition-1

A question that I am commonly asked by people I meet for the first time is, why did I choose to study in Japan? And I guess I never gave the proper answer to anyone! Well, I came up with a standard answer over time (cause you know you don't always have the power to make up instant stories!). But at this point of transition, when I am taking another big step of life, I guess I have figured out why I left home in 2009. And this story is for those who might be considering moving to/ studying in Japan. It's true that not everyone will have the same experiences but this might give a little insight of how is it to live in a country like Japan for 5 years.

Looking back...
Stable and secured life probably never attracted me. Like many other challenge loving persons I was always enchanted by the mystery of unknown and test my ability and patience by choosing a rather arduous path. And that is one of the reasons along others why I decided to move to Japan.
Back home I had a pretty much perfect life (well, there is nothing called "perfect life" but it was not bad at all), I just got into my dream institute BUET at the Department of Architecture. I was topping in class and already started to dream of future me as an architect. We moved to our new beautiful house and I had my own room where I could work all day and night. It was not easy to take that much of workload, but its never easy for students of Architecture in any country in this world.
But one of the factors that was not under my control was the political turmoil in our country. The university would often close down because of it and that caused session jam. Students could not graduate when they are supposed to, 5 years Architecture course would often take 6-7 years. We were always little concerned about that, and that's when I got to know about MEXT (Monbusho) Scholarship of Japan.
Later I applied for the scholarship, passed the first selection and was accepted to sit for written exam. I also managed to pass the written exam though I thought my exam was terrible and finally went through the interview. And I got chosen as one of the 3 students (in my program) for the scholarship.

But it's never easy to leave everything behind, your home, family, friends... The reasons why I chose to go to Japan were-

• I might lose extra years for session jam if I stay in my country, so even if I have to spend one extra year to learn Japanese its ok, cause I am actually investing my time for learning something new, something I can treasure.
• Since I will be fully supported by scholarship I will learn to live independently. Though it does not cost much (almost zero) to study at public institutions in Bangladesh, I never wanted to depend financially on my parents. 
• Most importantly I will be able to broaden my perspective by mixing with international community, learn about unique cultures and be able to gain more knowledge about Japan and other countries.

So on April 2nd, 2009 I left home for Japan. I still remember my first morning in Tokyo. Chilly breeze with warm sunshine of early spring, high rise buildings at Shinjuku, white and pink cherry trees - I fell in love with Japan at the first place and I loved Japan more each day till August 14th, 2014 when I left.
It's true that there is no perfect place to live on this earth. But I would say Japanese people has taken it pretty close to ultimate perfection. I learnt to appreciate nature and beauty more, learnt to be more punctual and be attentive to details while my stay in Japan.
But there are always compromises, things that you will lose to achieve something. I have those too, but I won't probably regret spending the most of my youth in Japan. And if you are open to learning a new language and culture, you won't regret as well.

I am writing this post from USA where I'm going through my second great transitional period of life, meeting new people, having new experiences everyday. But I will leave those stories for next post.

Before that, here are some (interesting) facts/incidents from my early days in Japan!

• My friends used to think Japanese people eat only raw fish, which is not true. They have varieties of simple and healthy food. And unlike many friends of mine I loved Sushi and Sashimi from the very first time!
• I heard skirt was first invented for male population but I saw a guy wearing skirt for the first time in Tokyo. 
• Japanese people are really kind and generous. Once I went to supermarket and saw an old person dropped the egg box she bought while leaving. But the store assistant came running and exchanged that for a new box of egg for free.
• Japanese people are also very honest. If you lose something somewhere you are more likely to find it back. One of my friend forgot his iPhone at restaurant once but it was right there when he went back after hours.
• Japanese people don't use English or other foreign language much but they will never make fun of your broken Japanese. They will always listen to you carefully, try to understand what you are trying to convey and tell you "Sugoi ne" (Wow! You're brilliant!)

I guess these stories will never end. But this is all for today.
日本大好き！

Losing the person you love the most..

I loved him the most in my life. He was the most handsome person in this world, he had the perfect combination of merit, knowledge and kindness. I could never think of anyone else as my role model except him. We had the longest relationship, since I was born..Yes, I am talking about my father. To almost every girl her father is the most lovable person in her life. She knows that he would not hurt her even if her boy friend or husband does.
And I lost him...I still cannot believe this, and it hurts to say he 'was', not he 'is'...I could never imagine I will face the biggest loss in my life so early. And I could not even see his face in last 1.5 years...I was waiting so eagerly to visit home once I settle down everything with my grad school...I wanted to see him smiling proudly but I could not even say him a proper goodbye...I become squeezed in terrible fear each time I look back to March 19th night...I still do not know how did I pass those couple of days. Flying from Japan with this unbearable shock and pain, facing the most difficult situation in my life...how could I even say goodbye to a person who was healthy before a day and went for his work?

We all take our parents for granted. We are used to seeing so many people dying around world everyday, but can we ever think for a single moment that this can happen anytime with the person we love the most?

I have changed a lot after my father left me alone...I have learnt that this world is full of fake people...And I have learnt that no one, absolutely no one except your own family member will ever know what is going inside you...No one can imagine that I feel like a paralyzed person, as if someone cut me into half...the emptiness inside me cannot be fulfilled by anything else in this world...How would it be? When I want to talk to him badly can anything else take away that depression?
People say that time heals everything...but I know this wound will be fresh forever....

Now I feel guilty that I have been away from home for 5 years...only if I knew something like this might happen in next 5 years I would have done my best to keep in alive...I only wish I could get back him only once....Death is surely the most terrible thing we can ever face...

I love you baba...And I only wish you stay well in heaven..please come to see me sometimes..I feel terribly lonely without you...I want to hear your voice..could you please come to my dream tonight? ..... :-(

Please come back....

Undomestic Goddess and my thought

I just finished Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella last night! :D

I should not have touched the book at the very first time cause I know when I start any book by her that's the end of my day and I would not be able to sleep until I finish the book. Her books are like magnet! When I start reading I can't stop, I'm reading while eating, reading while walking, and last night I was awake the whole night and finally slept at 7 of morning! :p

So the book very thrilling. By the main character Samantha I can see myself, how being a careerist turns me into robot sometimes. But I have felt a little bit of extremity in her behavior. In real life Samanthas like her would be little more pragmatic if she has an IQ of 158. But it's novel and it is supposed to be dramatic anyway. 

The best thing I have learnt from the book is, however important career can be to us, it cannot buy us personal happiness. I personally would not go after a career which would ask me to wring out all the fun and love from my life. The book just reminded me those feelings again. When Samantha and Nathaniel walked along the countryside roads I could feel that for real and I knew that it's really the most important thing in our life - love! But of course real life is not that easy and I would prefer to try my best to keep balance.

After reading these awesome books -

Undomestic Goddess

Can you keep a secret?

Shopaholic Takes Manhattan

Shopaholic Ties the Knot,

Next on my list are-

Confessions of a Shopaholic and Twenties Girls :) 

But I have to make sure not to touch those books until I am done with my important works! (fingers crossed :p)

Another fantastic book I have been reading is Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely. I will write on that after I finish reading the whole book. But so far I have read I am really impressed and I would highly recommend this to everyone! :)

Believe in yourself and make a change

How many times does someone ask this question to himself/ herself?
What are we?
If you just forget about the differences among all the people around world and think of everyone as a simple human being then we are nothing but a macro piece of 7.117 billion people! Isn't that amazing? How small and less important does it feel?
These billions of people are all striving for their own existence. Some might not have the tiny drop of water to live and they are just happy to find themselves alive the next day. Some might be living in a country which is going through war and passing each moment with the uncertainty of life. On the other hand some privileged people (like many of us who are passing time on internet now) are just thinking about why can't they have proper sleep at night or why the dinner tasted awful last night....
Yeah, life is different for all individuals and we gotta accept this. We cannot change the fate of every unprivileged one in this world. But we can at least try to help them from our own position. If you and I stop thinking rationally and be struck by the cruelty life brings to those helpless people it won't help a bit. Believe me you're making the situation worse.
Stop for a while, think about yourself, your situation, your ability, what you can do now....and what you can do for them. You spread your power among ten and those ten will take it to hundreds and millions and billions.
You gotta believe in yourself and you have to find out what's in yourself. It's good to look at others and find inspiration but that often tends to depress people by making them think that they can't do what those successful people did. Surely not everyone is blessed with the same abilities.
But everyone is UNIQUE! You are what you are and no one else can be you. Isn't this amazing enough to believe in yourself? So wake up for your sake and for those who need you and you can make a change for sure :)

Life is all about...

What this life is all about?

A question probably you shouldn't try asking yourself.
If you're feeling vulnerable then you might wanna avoid this question.... that's what I tell myself.

But damn me...most of the days I end up thinking, I'm losing one more day of my youth and what am I actually doing? Am I doing what I am supposed to do? Am I in the right path or I am deviating too much?
But again I think I don't even know what's gonna happen to me the very next moment...specially when those huge earthquakes attack and I'm alone in my tiny room I feel is this moment worth living for? Am I thinking too much?

May be I am thinking too much about myself which I shouldn't definitely do...I can see there are so many people who are living in the worst situation in this world. They have a 'life' and I have a 'life'. They are fighting every moment to survive in this cruel world and at least I know I am able to live by my own.
And I hate the fact that some people have to admit their lives just because they are not born as a fortunate one in this society, like the child whose father is a rickshaw puller or whose mother is a sex worker. Could he or she decide how his or her life would be?
We are not given the power to choose our family, we cannot decide how we will look, we cannot land from heaven to the country we want to live in, we don't decide to have a white or black skin either. Then why do we discriminate people depending on all these factors? Why do we make life so complicated?

Yeah..the more I think about these all the more I feel dizzy cause I know I cannot solve any of these problems alone. What I can do at best is educate and train myself to be a better person.

But then another me comes out who cries over the trifling matters of life. Yeah, I know there are hundreds and thousands of people living in this world. Everyone cares himself or herself the most...no one really gives a shit at what I am or how I am. But why would not I think about the tiny problems of my life? I have got only one life.....
Or how about finding some way to split up my life and share with as many lovely people as possible? I know I have one life and I want to enjoy it to it's best but I don't wanna grow up as a selfish, materialistic person....may be it's not worth crying over one personal problem...I will collect the smiles of hundreds and erase my pain with those...that's how I want my rest of the life to be...