Another Transition in Life

Lately I haven't had chance to write much, though technically I was supposed to write more during summer break. But life hasn't been easy for last couple of months (not that it ever was!), and there has been a LOT of new changes in my life - some are positive and happy, while some other are sad and stressful. I've a lot of things to write about but I'm still trying to cope up with all the changes, and having tiring days and restless nights. However, I guess by now I should be able to figure out that it's not going to get better, and if I can't be more positive then this will only affect my productivity in every phase of my life. So, before going any further with other specific life issues, I'm writing today about another big transition in my life.

In mid-November I wrote a post on vulnerability, the fear of "What if?". I was in the worst transitional period where I had to figure out my next step - academia or job, USA or UK, leave or stay in Illinois and so forth. On top of the natural stress that every such situation brings, my hypertension, anxiety and depression made things further difficult. Fortunately enough in the end I had multiple options to choose from, but unfortunately it wasn't exactly the way I wanted. But still I can count myself as one of the privileged ones to have those choices. The end result is - I chose job over PhD, but the main reason behind this decision was it is based in an academic institution where I have the freedom to improve myself and enrich myself with some real life experiences. I've accepted the position as fellow/faculty at the NCSU Libraries (for more information visit the program Website). My home department is Digital Library Initiatives where I'm currently working on improving the search interface (or at least planning to do so), and my initiative is with Acquisition and Discovery Services where I'll be exploring the scope of Linked Data/Semantic Web. It's a very exciting position for me, and everyone in this library has been extremely kind and helpful. I couldn't possibly ask for a better work environment. Due to the location of my two departments, I'll be splitting my time between Hunt and Hill Library. Both are beautiful, especially Hunt is a more recent addition, multiple award winning library for its beautiful architecture. It's vivid with playful colors that can brighten up anyone's mood. We've bookbots there that's the first of its kind where people can actually see them in action when they request books.

Main reading area at the Hunt Library (view from third floor)

Lovely colors in the rain garden reading lounge

Besides that I especially like the Faculty Commons lounge where we have a separate reading and meeting space just to promote creativity. And it has some of the comfiest chairs ever!

Faculty Commons

It's crazy how time flies, will be three weeks soon that I started job. Still feels little crazy that I'm being an proper adult, actually stepped outside school and trying to contribute in real life. The tough part is being away from the people I love. I'm missing out my precious times with family. Not that it's new, but with so many recent changes in life, losing dad and many more, these days I feel like I'm living in constant fear of what's going to happen next. What if something happens to my family and I can't be there when they need me? But I'm lucky that I've Madison with me as my friend, colleague and roomie. She's one of those amazingly caring people who go out of their way to comfort someone. Well, I guess life decided to make up for me this way after constantly throwing all the shits at me. 

I haven't stopped hoping for a better tomorrow, but I now know that life doesn't stop for any negative events. Real life's messy, it doesn't always have happy endings like Disney movies, but we can't stop trying to make it better. I believe that if I can find one positive thing out of every stressful event, one positive thought to make the world a better place, and can be the reason of someone's smile while causing no harm to anyone, it's another win for me. While I'm writing this I know it's 10 times more difficult to actually practice it in real life, but I've promised myself that I'll try. May be I'll fail and I'll cry one more time, but I won't give up.

Dreaming for a better future..

It's Complicated

It's 4am. I woke up from nightmare for the second time in the same night. This time I had tears kissing all my face as I saw my dad again. May be it wasn't a complete bad dream because in the end I saw him alive, smiling, dressed impeccably in white ironed shirt. As far as I remember, in the beginning of that dream dad was missing, we couldn't find him anywhere. He wasn't a person who'd disappear like that. He could be late from work or be away for traveling, but he would always let my mom know because he knew she'd worry too much. But in my dream I was trying again and again to connect his phone, but it was out of network. He came back later after two days, in an ambulance that looked smoky inside and he seemed dizzy, though looking perfect. I kept calling him again and again, worried, terrified and he smiled and said "Ha, Baba (Yes, dad)."

This was a sad dream, but even more sad reality's it happened in real life without happy ending. My dad went for a trip for work, came back in an ambulance, but I never got to hear his sweet voice, ever again.

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I never liked celebration as much my whole life, so was never much excited about Eid even as a kid. Since I moved to Japan in 2009 that feeling got stronger as regular school and work days became part of Eid, no special vacation. 

Today was another year, another Eid. I woke up early morning, went to office, had a long day. Might sound strange to many, but I didn't feel anything, there was a strange numbness. The last Eid I spent with my family in 2012, dad was with us. I can still see him waking up in his beautiful green punjabi shortly before we took some family portraits. That was probably the first time after my brother was born and we lost our sister that we got all of us in the same frame, and also the last time. Deep in my mind I probably don't want to destroy the image of that Eid by any other sad Eid day without dad being around.

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I dream my dad pretty often. But I think I'm probably having more nightmares and suffering from insomnia these days because I'm getting more and more of that worrying too much problem of my mom as I'm getting older. I remember being annoyed by that when I was younger, but it's strange that it makes a lot more sense now. I know now it's the fear of losing the loved ones. Recently there was the most terrible and shameful terrorist attack in our country's history. The whole country's still mourning for the lost ones and not being able to be festive as they're still shaken by the horror. I can feel how terrified it was for those families whose members were stuck in that bakery during attack, and the panic attack they had when their dear ones came back in ambulance and never talked to them again. I know all these, that's why being away from family keeps me constantly worried consciously and subconsciously, hence the nightmares.

Lying on my bed all alone at 4am I'm questioning a lot of things about my life, which I know possibly have no satisfying answer. As we grow older we detach from parents, learn to live our own life, move somewhere else, invest on ourselves. These are all necessary for personal growth. I know if I hadn't made those decisions about my academic life early in my career and decided to leave my home country, I won't probably be where I'm today. But at the same time I had to make the biggest compromise of my life, staying far away from my loving family, the most important part of my life. Is it worth doing it? I can't probably answer in one word, it's complicated, and there are so many factors. But the only thing I can hope and pray for is that things will get better, and my family will be able to live in a safe country where we don't have to be constantly terrified about another attack, and I won't lose sleep worrying too much. Just wishing everyone has a peaceful and happy Eid with their dear ones full of love and happiness.