Soon it'll be 3 years that dad left us. Time flies, it really does, but some scars don't get old and it always hurts the same whenever I think of him. Even though I try to keep myself busy with work and all, in my subconscious mind he's always there. That's probably why I dream him pretty often.
Couple of days ago I had a dream where I was in a prize giving ceremony. I think that was a school. They called my name for the first prize, I walked up on the stage and could see dad watching me proudly. I was so happy in my dream! When we were little, whenever we achieved something great, dad would hug us and call us tiger cubs! That feeling of him being happy and proud was so precious to me. I knew I always worked hard because someone was watching me succeed and it mattered to that person. And now there's an empty spot, a big hole in my life, which I know no one else can fill in.
It's funny how a single event can flip your whole life upside down. Every success is a bitter-sweet experience for me now. The fact that I can't share that news with dad makes me so sad that I can't really celebrate. I always used to call him the first when I had a good news and he'd always respond however busy he was. It was so difficult for me when all my friends had their parents attending their graduation ceremony at grad school, and I walked on the stage to receive my award knowing that my dad wasn't there to cheer me. Every single happy occasion just makes me miss him more.
I'm reading the book 'All the Light We Cannot See', where a dad brings up his daughter who lost her eyesight at an early age. He teaches her how to find the way back home alone little by little, gets unique presents for her that help her see the world in her imagination, and he makes her believe that she's strong and enough. It reminds me of my dad, how he always wanted us to be self-reliant, hard-working and empathetic. I read books or go out for a walk to feel better but whenever I see a girl is having great time with her dad, my heart aches inside that I can't deny. But it's still beautiful to see how (almost) every dad treats his girl like a princess.
My dad always treated me like a princess. He didn't spoil me but he treated me right and taught me the right values. Without him I feel like a princess without crown, but I'll always follow his path and do everything that'd have made him proud. When I go out for run I listen to the song 'If You Could See Me Now' often and think that I need to make him proud because he's watching me wherever he is. I miss him every single day and really wish he could see me now...
